two and a half years ago i decided to stop lying. i would lie about not knowing things or understanding things, when actually alot of the time i knew more about whatever it was the other person was talking about than they did. i would lie about how much i cared about things, i would dismiss things that were a really big deal and important to me and i would lie about how things effected me and about my experiences, i’d down play everything.
a close friend called me on it, they said i lie so when people dont like me and when they treat me bad i can tell myself ‘well, its just cause they dont know the real me’. they were totally right.
i use to ask questions i already knew the answers to and pretend that when someone was telling me facts that i had never heard of it before or didnt understand. i felt like people wouldnt like me if i was a know it all, especially if i knew more than they did. i also have a learning disability so i grew up struggling with doing things all the other kids could such as reading but i was exceptionally creative so the things that made me smart were never celebrated as that but were instead seen as me having mental problems and not being normal.
i use to act like i didnt really have any goals or ambition, if people asked me what i was going to that day i would lie and say nothing or hang out or watch tv, instead of the truth which was work really hard on something or do something important. i would lie about it cause 1. i didnt want people to realise i was actually smart 2. people would know if i tried something and it failed 3. it would show that i thought that what i did matter which would be embarrassing as i believed i would be the only one.
i use to downplay my experiences and feelings to other people. if something really awesome happened to me or i felt good about something i did i would either not tell people or only tell some details to make it not seem as good. and if i was hurt by something or if i had hard experiences especially if i had been oppressed i would down play by acting like i was fine or better off than i really am e.g. i grew up lower class but i would tell people i was middle class, and the real reason i wear a binder everyday is cause i have body dysphoria but i would tell people i do it so i can fit into smaller sized shirts.
i realised that the reason i lied about all this stuff was cause i was so embarrassed by the fact that i was treated like i was worthless for most of my life, to the point that i felt like the reality of me actually not being worthless was a secret that only i knew but had to keep. and that if others could see that i was smart and thoughtful and had struggles and really cared about myself and my life and had aspirations and tried really hard that they would feel sorry for me and it would be awkward. and i thought id constantly be in a state of guilt for making all these people so upset and angry for all the times ive been treated unfairly and for all the struggles ive had. butttt than it occurred to me that if people are getting upset or angry because of the hard experiences ive had its because they care, and i shouldnt feel guilty because someone cares about me, especially when i really seem to like and respect those who do know me and care about me, and hey, i truely love and adore me most of the time and i feel great about that.
so then i started doing what i really wanted and was honest about everything, and stopping lying to others was the best decision ive ever made and was the greatest gift ive maybe ever given myself.